EGO-Less Teaching: Being Above the Fray to Truly Reach Students

In education, we are going to be tested.

Our patience will be tested.

Our triggers will be tested.

And often, it happens when we least expect it.

Many times, those moments come from students we expect challenges from, but just as often, they come from students we don’t. Our most challenging learners are often the ones who know exactly which buttons to push. And here’s the hard truth: when those buttons get pushed, a lot of the time, it’s on us.

It’s on us when we lack the self-awareness to recognize what gets under our skin. It’s on us when students learn which behaviors will make us react, escalate, kick them out of class, or engage in a verbal back-and-forth that turns into a power struggle. Students are incredibly perceptive. When we don’t manage ourselves, they learn quickly how to pull us into the fray.

And as educators, we have to be above the fray.

Knowing Your Triggers Is Not Optional

So I ask you: What are your triggers?

Better yet, how is your mental health?

How are you practicing self-care so that when you walk into school every day, you’re not dreading it? So that you’re not dreading seeing the students you had a rough day, or a rough month, with? So that you’re not unconsciously waiting for a student to interrupt your lesson, say the wrong thing, or act out so you can remove them, isolate them, and move on?

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Because the truth is, we cannot truly connect with our most challenging learners if we are not deeply self-aware. This work starts with us. As educators, we must know ourselves well, and we must be comfortable being vulnerable.

We have to be in tune with how we come across to students. Are we rolling our eyes? Are we giving subtle looks, tones, or gestures that communicate how we really feel? Because kids have a superpower, they know. They know when interactions are genuine. They know when they’re authentic. And they absolutely know when we’re faking it.

Bias Exists—What Matters Is Awareness

A big part of egoless teaching is understanding our biases. Everyone has them. No one is exempt.

For example, I personally find it easier to connect with students who play sports—especially boys who play basketball. That’s my wheelhouse. It’s familiar. It’s an easy entry point for connection. That doesn’t mean I’m not open to learning about other interests or being exposed to different experiences. It just means I have to be aware of where I naturally lean.

Bias isn’t the problem. Unexamined bias is.

Responding, Not Reacting

So how do we respond when students trigger us?

First, we identify the triggers:

• Students not doing their work

• Being loud or interruptive

• Being combative

• Not responding to directions

• Ignoring us in the hallway

• Telling us they don’t like us

• Becoming aggressive—or appearing like they might

If those are triggers for you, how do you show up after they happen?

When we can step back, understand why these things trigger us, and intentionally respond—neutral, steady, not too high and not too low—we create the possibility for long-term relationship building. That’s where real connection happens.

But when we go back and forth…

When we engage in power struggles…

When we get caught in verbal battles…

Nobody wins.

All it does is fracture the relationship with the very student we’re trying to connect with.

A Moment That Could Have Gone Very Wrong

I want to share a quick story.

I was mentoring in a middle school and working with a student who was newer to our caseload. Early on, he had a really challenging time in our group sessions—constantly interrupting, disengaged, and pushing boundaries. After one session, I pulled him aside for a one-on-one conversation. We didn’t hit it off right away.

I walked him back toward class, and he was already combative, already having a rough day. When we reached the hallway, he had a chair set up outside the classroom where he needed to finish work. I stepped into the classroom briefly to update the teacher and said something along the lines of him not being very interested in participating that day.

He heard me.

And down the hallway, he yelled, “This n**** is lying,” to one of his friends—directed at me.

In that moment, I felt it in my bones. That was a trigger. Everything in me wanted to react. I wanted to snap back. I wanted to escalate.

But instead, I took a breath.

Then another breath.

And I said to myself, This conversation needs to happen later, in a different space.

I realized something else too—it was partly my fault. I hadn’t taken the time to have a proper one-on-one conversation with him about mentoring, about ALA, about what we were trying to do, or to get his buy-in.

So later, away from everyone else, I started the conversation with an apology.

That stopped him in his tracks.

He looked up at me—confused. It was the first real eye contact we had made.

I explained what we were trying to do, how we wanted to support him, how we understood attendance and behavior had been concerns, and that our goal was to help—not punish. I also told him calmly that I don’t like being referred to by the N-word, especially by anyone.

He agreed. He apologized.

That situation could have gone a completely different way. It could have reinforced a negative cycle that student had likely experienced over and over again. Instead, it became a breakthrough.

The Core of Egoless Teaching

Egoless teaching requires us to:

• Know our triggers

• Be honest about our mental health

• Practice self-care

• Stay above the fray

• Be authentic, even in difficult moments

• Allow students input in your lesson planning

• Foster student voice. in your classroom

The ultimate goal is connection.

And to connect with students, especially our most challenging ones, we have to remove ego from teaching. We have to show up grounded, self-aware, and human.

You cannot truly connect with students without egoless teaching.

That’s the work.